10 Things I Hate About Going to the Movies

After 11 years as a professional film critic, here is a list culled from experience. Certainly I'm not alone in my dislikes. Maybe you have a few of your own. As for mine, they are below. As for what ticks you off when you go to see a movie, feel free to add to your own.

10. Bad movies. 'Nuff said.

9. Funky body odor. Please don't go anywhere in public if it means stinking up the area around you, especially if that area is an enclosed space such as a theater. While you can't smell your funky funk, the rest of us can, and it isn't pleasant. Soap is cheap. So is deodorant. Doing a load of laundry every now and then is a good thing. Look into it.

8. The hardcore fan. Ah, yes. Here is a person who is so excited about seeing a certain movie, usually one based on a franchise or on a Marvel comic book, that they talk back at the screen as if they're in their own living room. And guess what--they're not. They're surrounded by paying audiences members, all of whom are wishing them the sort of demise that usually only happens in the movies.

7. The sleeper. You've seen them. They come to a movie, get lulled into a sugar coma from too much Coke and candy, and then they proceed to fall asleep. Naturally, loud snoring ensues. And doesn't it figure that you're sitting right near them. Now, instead of hearing key moments of dialogue, which you miss, you get the pleasure of hearing snorts and heavy sighs from somebody who has no business being at a movie at all.

6. Concession prices. Sorry, but you want how much for that pail of Pepsi? And excuse me, but you do realize that the extra cost you're charging me for the cheese to go with those nachos might as well be the mortgage payment on my house? Look--I understand that I might look as if I want to get screwed, but really, I didn't have that in mind when I came into your bad theater and asked for a bucket of popcorn. Thanks.

5. Children. Sure, they can be cute, particularly on that increasingly rare occasion when they're actually well-mannered, but get one rambunctious child at a movie and your good time is in the diaper. If ever there was a time when that old saying "Children should be seen, and not heard" proved true, it's at the movies. Cuteness ends where lack of control begins. Parents--take note. In fact, parents should read on.

4. Dumb parents. You know the type. Maybe you're one yourself. If you are, here's a tip. At an R-rated movie, for instance, don't haul in your children, who should have been left at home with a sitter you couldn't be bothered to afford. Now, because you chose not to pay that price, we end up paying the price. It isn't fun for us, and please--don't look so shocked when people start glaring over their shoulders and giving you the hairy eyeball. You've crossed a line. We're taking control. We'd take you out if we could.

3. People who can't shut the hell up. We've all been there. The movie is playing, but who can hear a thing when those around you just want to hear themselves? A movie theater isn't a place to catch up. It's a place to shut up and enjoy the show. Remember that.

2. Cell phones. Nobody cares what you're packing for a cell phone. Really, nobody gives a damn. Have the new iPhone? Good for you, cookie--now shut it down. Got a Blackberry? Sweet. Now, how about texting yourself a reminder to turn it off before you enter the movie theater. We'd all be grateful.

1. Advertisements. What fresh hell is this? I've paid to sit in that seat, and now I have to suffer through a dozen ads for the privilege of watching the show? Sorry, but no. No, no, no. Since there are no TiVos in movie theaters, this has to change. A good way for it to change is for people to get off their butts and ask for a refund. Just imagine it--a mass exodus to the lobby to right a wrong. Will it send a message? Will it promote change? If you think there's no way it's going to change, you're right--and you're mind kind of cynic.