The Adventures of Sharkboy & Lavagirl: Movie & DVD Review (2005)

(Originally published 2005)

Robert Rodriguez’s “The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3-D,” from a script inspired by his 7-year-old son, Racer Max, is bogus, low-tech dreck.

Even if you didn’t know going into the film that it was conceived by a child, you’d likely sense something was askew the moment the movie detoured into the Land of Milk and Cookies, for instance, or Planet Drool. Along the way, we also literally plunge into the Stream of Consciousness, the Train of Thought and finally--appropriately-- into the Sea of Confusion.

As directed by Rodriguez, whose “Spy Kids” series was so good and whose recent movie, “Sin City,” stands tall as one of this year’s more imaginative films, “Sharkboy and Lavagirl” is remedial and repetitive, a simpering hive of connect-the-dot chaos that is hell to sit through. It goes nowhere, it’s dull, the acting is sub par and the special effects, if you can call them that, appear to have been purchased at Dollar Tree.

In the film, sensitive, 10-year-old Max (Cayden Boyd) is being bullied at school by the repellent Linus (Jacob Davich), who has stolen his coveted Dream Journal, in which Max has chronicled his summer friendships with superheroes Sharkboy (Taylor Lautner) and Lavagirl (Taylor Dooley).

Word on the jungle gym is that Max is screwy, but not so fast. He is soon vindicated when Sharkboy and Lavagirl storm into his classroom and steal him away to fight the good fight on Planet Drool. Apparently, his dreams are needed to conquer the evil of Mr. Electric (George Lopez), who wants--oh, I don’t know--to rule the universe. Or something like that.

Those who believe you need to be a kid to appreciate the film’s “simple pleasures” are dumbing down the majority of children, who have seen better storylines and character development in video games, and who know it when they’re being conned, as they are here. At my screening, one glance around the theater confirmed that most of us--all smartly decked out in our 3-D Dame Edna eyewear--were being lulled into a coma.

Still, it’s more than a weak storyline that sandbags “Sharkboy.” What truly sinks it are its 3-D elements, which are so flat and murky, they make long stretches of the movie unwatchable. The art of 3-D has always been a gimmick--albeit a fun gimmick when used properly, such as in James Cameron’s current IMAX movie, “Aliens of the Deep,” which uses the sort of state-of-the-art technology “Sharkboy” doesn’t have, or with the pure camp of, say, “Friday the 13th Part 3: 3-D,” in which Jason’s impressive array of flatware frequently flays the audience.

But in “Sharkboy,” it’s just distracting and unnecessary. The 3-D technology employed here actually peels away dimension, leaving in its wake a hollow movie about dreams that really, in the end, are just building blocks for a cinematic nightmare.

Grade: D-