Catwoman: Movie & DVD Review (2005)

(Originally published 2005)

The superhero movie, “Catwoman,” is a vain, choppy mess filled with unintentional laughs and groan-worthy moments that scrape bottom.

It’s also laced with sharp one-liners, style, excitement and enough sex appeal to make “Shrek’s” Puss in Boots stand at attention. Mix it, and what’s left in the litter is an entertaining movie directed by someone named Pitof. Just Pitof.

Not unlike the director’s name, the movie is camp on a catnip high.

The film stars Halle Berry as Catwoman and Sharon Stone as the castrating witch out to 86 her nine lives. Stone is Laurel Hedare, an evil, aging supermodel with a blonde fright wig, glam clothes and a leggy strut who will go to any lengths to skirt a wrinkle.

At a time when youth and beauty are increasingly valued over age and experience, it’s tough to blame Laurel for trying to stay young, particularly when what’s at stake here is a beauty cream that’s so powerful, it can turn one’s skin into uncrackable marble--as it has done for Laurel.

For unwitting consumers, the problem is that the cream is highly toxic, a truth Laurel’s husband, the cosmetics giant George Hedare (Lambert Wilson), would rather cover with concealer.

What he and Laurel don’t want anyone to know is that once the cream is applied, it must be used for life. Otherwise, the moment one stops using it, there isn’t enough Botox in the world to repair the sagging damage.

The film’s first third is shaky and awkward, chronicling how Berry’s bumbling Patience Philips, a shy graphic designer who works for Laurel and George, becomes the outrageously confident Catwoman. Just how I’ll leave for you, but the good news is that the movie recovers, with Berry’s Patience trying to learn what it means to be Catwoman, which includes wielding a whip and wearing a push-up bra.

Her love interest in the movie is officer Tom Lone (Benjamin Bratt), who joins a long line of superhero suitors in that he initially has no clue that his intended has the most unusual of side jobs. Together, there is a snap of chemistry between Berry and Bratt—they look great together--though the film’s quick-cut editing undermines that whenever it can. It doesn’t allow us to linger on them.

Since “Catwoman” would be lacking without a catfight between Berry and Stone, Pitof delivers in the final moments. These two just don’t go after each other with their claws and fists, but with a string of quick, funny retorts that blister the screen.

That gets to the real strength of “Catwoman.” Some of the dialogue is genuinely clever, such as when Catwoman enters a disco in her full dominatrix leather drag, her whip swirling in the air around her, and asks the bartender for “a white Russian—hold the vodka, holds the Kahlua.” Considering the suggestive way she licks the milk mustache from her lips, it’s surprising this movie wasn’t scratched with an R rating.

Grade: B