Cold Creek Manor: Movie, DVD Review

Directed by Mike Figgis, written by Richard Jefferies, 118 minutes, rated R.

(Originally published 2003)

Tucked in the middle of the suspense thriller, “Cold Creek Manor,” is a line that neatly sums up the experience of watching the film: “I’m sorry, Cooper, but I’m having trouble relating to any of this.”

Other’s might too.

It’s the actress Sharon Stone who delivers those words, and you know what? The one nugget of truth nestled in her strained, wooden performance is that Stone isn’t joking. She really isn’t relating to any of this and neither is her character.

The movie, which Mike Figgis directed from a screenplay by Richard Jefferies, hails from Red Mullet Productions. That’s easy to believe, especially since the movie is about a deranged hillbilly with an auburn mullet who leaves prison to cause all sorts of problems at his family’s old manor house, which he lost to the bank and is now owned by some of the dumbest city slickers ever to hail from Manhattan.

The hillbilly, Dale Massie, is played by Stephen Dorff with the sort of crazy-eyed intensity that suggests his prey, the unbearably naive Tilsons—Cooper (Dennis Quaid) and Leah (Stone), and their two children, Kristen (Kristen Stewart) and Jesse (Ryan Wilson)--will soon become part of his own private gumbo called the Devil’s Throat.

Just what that is won’t be revealed here, but rest assured that it’s every bit as unpleasant as it sounds, not to mention just silly enough to be worthy of a few snorts and giggles. In fact, “Cold Creek Manor” works best as a comedy. For instance, Juliette Lewis’ over-the-top performance as Ruby, the local slut with a drinking problem who decorates Dale’s arm like a nasty case of shingles, is a hoot. Her hair-pulling, slap-and-push fight with Stone is a highlight among the lowlights.

Marketed as a haunted house movie, which it isn’t, the film deceives us by instead offering up a camp spectacle. It’s such a misfire, it’s one of those bad movies that will take its stars two good movies to recover from. Indeed, for all the utter lack of suspense and thrills “Cold Creek Manor” kicks up, a better title might have been “Cold Water Flat.”

Grade: D