10,000 B.C.: DVD, Blu-ray Review (2008)

Roland Emmerich dumb movie is hamburger onscreen--and not the lean variety. This film is about 90 percent cinematic fat. The other 10 percent? Gristle. Maybe a bit of bone.

The movie follows the dreadlocked D’Leh (Steven Strait), whose great love, Evolet (Camilla Belle), is stolen away along with others by a competing tribe. It’s D’Leh’s duty to go after them, which involves, among other things, D’Leh coming to throws with some hilarious-looking giant birds, the lot of which are about as real as Rod Hull’s aggressive puppet, Emu, from the 1960s.

Since the movie is set in 10,000 B.C., D’Leh naturally is brought to a lost city filled with pyramids, which the Egyptians apparently built 7,000 years earlier than we thought. Who knew? Not Emmerich, or maybe he did know and doesn’t care.

It doesn’t matter. At least his characters aren’t fighting tooth decay--they all have amazingly white, perfect teeth. And at least some of the men were able to find a Bic in the B.C.--several are shaved, including their chests.

But enough.

As with any movie that stretches history to suit its needs, “10,000 B.C.” could have been forgiven every one of its shortcomings had it been a blast, which it isn’t. Since the film is either too lazy to look back into history and do its homework or too cynical about its audience to believe they haven’t done theirs, it just charges forward with zero knowledge of the time it’s trying to evoke.

The result? A movie you actually forget while watching it.

PG-13. Grade: D-

View the trailer below: