Eagle Eye: Movie Review (2008)

Shia LaBeouf has a new movie out. It’s called “Eagle Eye,” the very title of which promises a certain clarity of vision. Too bad the movie lacks one.

In fact, let’s be clear about the experience of watching “Eagle Eye.” It’s akin to being tossed into the business end of a washing machine, spun on high for the better part of two hours, and then released into the world feeling bruised, scraped and battered--and as if you’ve just been soaked out of $8 in the process.

Four writers worked in concert to mangle the script--John Glenn, Travis Adam Wright, Hillary Seitz and Dan McDermott--all of whom wrote such a ridiculously convoluted screenplay, you sit there thinking, “Wow, this is a ridiculously convoluted screenplay.”

Since describing the movie’s stupid, unwieldy plot in detail would mean taking over the entire space allotted to the Internet, let’s just cut the plot down to its essentials.

LaBeouf is Jerry Shaw, a bright bum from Chicago who is busy enjoying the world when his world suddenly collapses in a series of events that go terribly wrong: Jerry’s accomplished twin brother dies, cell phones start to ring, a cool, computerized female voice starts directing Jerry through all sorts of hell, the Feds get involved (a bland Billy Bob Thornton among them), much chasing ensues, buildings collapse, cars explode, and Jerry unwittingly is lead to Rachel (Michelle Monaghan), a single mother who also is being bossed around by that same robotic voice.

What’s behind the voice is a computer that will remind plenty of HAL from Stanley Kubrick’s “2001: A Space Odyssey” because, let’s face it, Caruso and company stole the idea from that movie. That said, they didn’t do so without pimping out their own version with all sorts of menace. Housed in the Pentagon, the computer can tap into any number of available technologies to spy on people and create havoc in an effort to achieve its desired end--killing the President of the United States and members of his cabinet.

It’s into this equation that Jerry and Rachel factor, but in ways that become so ludicrous, the only response is to laugh, sigh or cry, particularly because a key plot element involves the need to prevent Rachel’s son from tooting his trumpet while playing it in front of Congress. I’m not joking. If Junior blows his horn, everyone dies. Seriously.

For character development, the movie pauses for about 30 seconds so Rachel can pine for her son just when all seems lost to her. Deepening the movie is that Jerry is allowed about the same amount of time to reflect on his dead twin. Beyond that, neither actor is allowed to bring anything to the movie other than fight and flight. In fact, what’s so curious about “Eagle Eye” is that its producers could have walked into any supermarket, plucked two reasonably attractive people from the check-out line, handed them the bum script, put them in the film, and nothing would have changed.

Well, nothing, of course, except for the steep savings in salaries.

Grade: D