The Top Ten Troubles with Nicolas Cage's Hair.

12/11/2009 Posted by Admin

By our guest blogger, Colin George.

Actor Nicolas Cage may be known for his, shall we say, less than discriminating taste in what films in which he’ll appear, or for his wild onscreen persona, but there’s one point on which even his greatest detractor must concede--the man has a versatile head of hair. Nearly three decades in the business have primped, combed and cut dozens of memories atop Nick Cage’s noggin.  Below are the 10 most disastrous, laughable and outright awe-inspiring feats of his hairstylists’ prowess.  Check out the photo first--and then read on.

10. The Sorcerer's Apprentice
Disney recently unveiled the trailer for its retelling of this classic poem, which casts a graying, bedraggled Cage in the role of the titular magician. When his salt and pepper locks aren’t tantalizingly hidden beneath his droopy hat, they’re blowing majestically in the night air and subtly complementing his facial scruff.  “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice” is due out next summer, and scores extra points for growing Cage’s hair to exciting new lengths.

9. The Vampire's Kiss
Given how hot vampirism is right now, there is no ignoring the classic 1989 dark comedy, “Vampire’s Kiss,” which nips Cage with a slicked-back, Pee-Wee-Herman-with-bangs look. Today’s moussed and mugging Robert Pattinsons would be wise to take note of Cage’s effortless (really, effortless!) style in this blood-sucking flick that proves, if nothing else, that vampires really can’t see their own reflections.

8. Raising Arizona
You know, the mustache really brings the whole thing together. Individually, you have the caterpillar eyebrows, the 5 o’clock shadow, the almost-even sideburns, and a head of hair that looks like it could have washed up on the beach. Cage as McDunnough narrowly edges out his similarly disheveled character from “Moonstruck” in a heated tiebreak scenario for this eighth spot. I don’t want my judging criteria to become too transparent, but that mustache is really something.

7. Ghost Rider
Rumor has it that, mirroring the rings of a tree, an actor’s age can directly determined by the length of his hair (see: Marlon Brando Theory). Using this ingenious methodology in 2007, Nicolas Cage effectively reversed time for his role as Johnny Blaze in the critically abhorred “Ghost Rider.” The mat he sports here is short, dyed and might as well have “Mid-life Crisis” buzzed into the back. Sure, his face betrays a couple (dozen) years, but nothing melts those wrinkles away like a mane of fire. If you can find one of those.

6. Adaptation
Arguably, the most bizarre and unique follicular appendage to snake its way from Cage’s cranium is the curly rug his dual characters rock in this second Spike Jonze/Charlie Kaufman collaborative weird-out. The twin Cages wear their frizzy ‘fros surprisingly well, and his hair delivers one of its top performances of all time, altogether redefining the art of the wig. Nicolas Cage’s hair needed this opportunity to branch out, and what results is probably the best film of 2002. Coincidence?

5. G-Force
A hair actor like Cage can only come up with so many hair-don'ts of his own.  At some point, the animal kingdom must be consulted.  Above, Cage plays the role of Speckles the mole in Disney’s 3-D rodent-espionage film, “G-Force.”  His animated critter sports a pelt that even bears a pleasing resemblance to Cage’s own natural color, which leans toward an aggressive symmetry. This is a good look for Cage--and we encourage more of it.

4. Valley Girl
The year is 1983, and there’s a new Nick on the block. No longer using his real name, Nicolas Coppola, Cage both embraces his new surname and sets an immediate precedent for what is to become a lifetime of innovative coiffures. Perhaps blown back by some great, unseen wind-cannon, and accented with (yes!) red and blue highlights, Cage’s inaugural look is most impressive for upstaging the Chippendales get-up. The tagline reads, “She’s cool. He’s hot. She’s from the Valley. He’s not." From this planet?

3. Con (H)Air
The above photo suggests that Nicolas “Braveheart” Cage wouldn’t look out of place hovering in the background of a Drew Struzan one-sheet. His enigmatic smile is ensconced in a sea of certified Angus man-gruff, and as a light breeze catches his tussled tresses, he embodies a distinct aura I can only label, "Fabio"--though without the hot-oil treatment. Cage was cast as the hero in this 1997 thriller, but it’s his bad-boy, Middle Earth penal system aesthetic that really wins me over.

2. Werewolf Women of the S.S.
Nicolas Cage as Fu Manchu is reason enough to wish that Rob Zombie’s faux “Grindhouse” trailer would someday come to fruition. Donning some deliberately awful fake-facial hair, Cage continues to surprise and alarm with the range of multi-ethnic styles he’s willing to suspend from his face. “Werewolf Women of the S.S.” may attempt to satirize the career Cage has etched for himself, but after seeing him unleashed in “Bad Lieutenant,” his turn as Fu Manchu seems positively refined.

1. Peggy Sue Got Married
Open any 1950s high school yearbook and you’ll see this guy. Dozens of him. If Elvis is the king of Rock and Roll, than this stellar pompadour is unquestionably the mother of all Nick Cage hairstyles. Directed by Cage’s uncle, Francis Ford Coppola, “Peggy Sue Got Married” not only carries an 88% positive consensus score on Rotten Tomatoes, but it beats out its formidable competition to receive the crowning honor of best (or is it worst?) Nicolas Cage hairstyle.

And the list doesn’t have to end here. Cage’s head-turning headpieces are as numerous as a star-smattered sky. Post your favorite omissions below.

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