Bristol Palin: The Next Lucille Ball?

By our guest blogger, Marie Biondolillo

Bristol Palin (the drinker on the left) just scored her first (paying) TV gig, and it's quite a stretch--she'll be playing a teen mom named Bristol Palin on the ABC Family series "The Secret Life of the American Teenager."

If you've never heard of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager," you're not alone. This is ABC Family's answer to "Gossip Girl," except that it replaces sexy drunk teens engaging in high-faluting high jinx with remorseful teens struggling with the consequences of their actions.

In other words, it's totally boring.

Nobody wants to watch a show where teens act sad about making out with somebody once. Instead, we want to watch a show about people making out and getting mad! We want to watch Brenda and Kelly fight over Dylan's sideburns, or see Ryan punch out every other dude in the OC for no particular reason, or cheer as Blair ties up Chuck with 900 headbands.

Watching a show about teens arguing over whose turn it is to buy the Pampers is considerably less interesting, unless the show is exceptionally well-written and acted. But reports indicate that "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" is no "The Wire." It's written and produced by Brenda Hampton, otherwise known as the demonic force behind "7th Heaven." Entire Web sites have been devoted exclusively to mocking "7th Heaven," so I will forgo a lengthy description of its horrors and simply summarize it by saying that it was a show about a minister, his wife, and their 20 or 30 pesky, hubristic children. Although this program was ostensibly about a Christian family and their faith, the words "God" and "Jesus Christ" never were used--quite the feat, considering that half the scenes took place at a church.

In short, Brenda Hampton has made a career out of vaguely espousing Christian values without ever taking a specific stance. Does this remind you of anyone? Perhaps a certain perky ex-governor with legs up to here and brains down to there?

I don't think I'll be tuning into Bristol's episode of "The Secret Life of the American Teenager." After all, what could happen that would possibly be interesting? Is Bristol going to jump on the back of a bad boy's motorcycle, leaving her baby troubles behind in a cloud of exhaust? (Hint: no.) Is she going to get into a catfight with another mom at the daycare, resulting in a scantily-clad, slo-mo pillow fight? (Hint: no again!) Rather, I imagine that it will go something like this:

INT. YOUTH GROUP BASEMENT -- DAY

BRISTOL PALIN enters, looking sad. TEEN #1 approaches her.

TEEN #1: Hey Bristol, what is up? How is your teenage experience today?

BRISTOL: Well, to be frank, I'm feeling rather melancholy, or sizz-ad, today.

TEEN #1: Oh? And why is that, homie?

BRISTOL: I just can't believe that I had sex outside of wedlock!

TEEN #1: Yes, you made a poor choice there, bro!

BRISTOL: I agree. I wish I could only warn all of the teenage girls in America not to make the same terrible choice as I did. After all, sex might seem like it is totally tubular, but it actually always leads to little babies being born. There is no way to prevent this.

TEEN #1: That's so true. Thank you for conveying this rad message to me. You rock!

BRISTOL: No, you rock. And abstinence rocks!

BRISTOL and TEEN #1 turn to stare directly into the camera, grinning and offering big thumb's ups. They continue to hold this position for the remaining 40 minutes of the episode, as there are no further plot lines to explore.

I think I'll hold out for Levi Johnston's "Gossip Girl" episode. It will probably feature angel dust, deceptive white tigers, pole-dancing, and other immoral actions by careless teenagers--and it will be a lot more interesting.