Joe Jackson: A Retrospective of His Awesome Personality and Actions

By our guest blogger, Marie Biondolillo

Recently, Joe Jackson appeared on "Larry King Live" in order to expand upon his weird conspiracy theory that his son, Michael Jackson, was murdered. Contrary to reports that Michael died of a fatal cocktail of medications, Joe Jackson believes that Michael died because of some hazy, vague conspiracy. Jackson siblings La Toya and Jermaine also believe that Michael's "murder" was all part of some larger plan by an unknown, evil entity, of whose identity they are not quite certain.

I can clear up this mystery right now--it's all Joe Jackson's fault. Joe Jackson is a greedy freak who doesn't care if he drives his kids crazy as long as he gets paid. Joe's one talent is being really good at driving other Jacksons over the edge, where even nipple shields cannot protect them. No Jackson child is too crazy--or too dead--for Joe not to try and make a buck off them. That Joe Jackson--he's got moxie!

In honor of Joe and his admirable spunk, I'd like to present the following:

Joe Jackson's Greatest Hits

10. Making the Jackson 5 practice while he sat in a chair watching them while he played with his belt.

9. Suing Michael's estate so that it will pay him a $15,000 a month allowance. Why does Joe Jackson need $15,000 a month to live? Well, apparently he spends $2,500 a month to spend on "eating out." Where does Joe eat--Diamond Burger?

8. Obviously, Joe landed some of his best hits on his kids! If you think that's too punny, you can punish me by sending me to the punitentiary.

7. Using a red carpet interview at last year's BET Awards to promote his new record label--mere days after Michael's death. If I die before my father does, I sure hope he mentions if he has any stuff for sale at my memorial service. After all, posting a Craigslist ad takes soooo long.

6. Stressing out Marlon so hard that he became a real estate agent.

5. Charging Michael's estate $11,716.00 for invitations and programs for Michael's funeral. I'm sure that all of this money went towards really heavy cardstock and totally sweet personalized fonts, and not toward delicious diamond burgers or anything.

4. One of Joe's grandchildren is named "Jermajesty" Jackson. There's no direct evidence that this is Joe's fault, but I blame him anyway.

3. Not content with simply screwing up his 30 or 40 children with Katherine Jackson, Joe also fathered a couple illegitimate children, so that he could have fresh meat to abuse in his golden years.

2. Holding a fundraiser for himself. After Michael's film "This Is It" came out, Joe held a fundraiser for himself consisting of a "VIP showing" of the film. Ticket price? $3,000 per person. I don't care how passionate you are about the Joe Jackson Cause, that's quite a lot of funeral invitations.

1. When Michael was little, Joe once dressed up as a monster, broke into Michael's room through the window while Michael was sleeping, and woke him up by screaming and capering. Joe claimed that the point of this exercise was to "teach him not to leave the window open." If you would like to know why Michael Jackson died of drugs, look no further.

Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.