Brad Pitt is Better at Cheating on His Wife Than Jesse James

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Brad Pitt is Better at Cheating on His Wife Than Jesse James

By our guest blogger, Marie Biondolillo

Unless you're a Luddite, you've probably heard that Sandra Bullock's husband Jesse James is a less than faithful husband--in fact, he makes Tiger Woods look like Ned Flanders.

But did you know that he is also probably a gigantic Nazi?

TMZ reports that they are currently in negotiations for a photo of James that depicts the tasteful mechanic heiling Hitler while clad in Nazi regalia. Adding fuel to the fire are recent revelations regarding James' paramour Michelle McGee, who enjoys taking part in alluring Nazi-themed photo shoots that accent her attractive White Power tattoos.

For some reason, Sandra is not excited by these developments, and has moved out. The curious thing about this debacle is not why she didn't move out sooner--it's why she got involved with James in the first place. Apparently, the fact that James is ugly wasn't a deal breaker. Neither was his goofy fake name, or his two failed marriages (one to a porn star), or his many young children, some of whom the United Nations is considering offering amnesty to, due to the epic nature of the custody disputes in which they are embroiled.

None of these traits struck Sandra as unappealing. Instead, there was some point at which Sandra looked at this lumpy, divorced, ridiculous SoCal STD factory of a deadbeat dad and thought, "Yep. That's about as good as I'm gonna do. Let's put a ring on it."

It took repeated infidelity plus OUTRIGHT NAZISM for Sandra to realize that maybe Jesse wasn't the most awesome life mate she could have chosen. I mean, if she likes ugly, tasteless porn star-banging yahoos, she could have given Kid Rock a call. At least he's in decent shape.

As for James, his judgment is nothing short of breathtaking. I would love to know what his internal dialogue was when he decided to start "bringing in the sheaves" with Michelle McGee. I imagine it was something like "Hmm. I could go home and make out with my hot wife on a bed of silk-edged million dollar bills, or I could make out with this lady who it hurts to look at. What a dilemma. Should I go for the woman that millions of men fantasize about, or the woman who causes babies to weep and old ladies to cross themselves whenever she emerges, Shelob-like, from her lair? This is quite a pickle!"

This whole debacle is like the Bizarro World version of the Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston/Angelina Jolie incident. In Bizarro World, down is up, Earth is called Htrae, and doughy schlubs cheat on their movie star wives with carnie goths. As somebody whose probability of being named People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" is comparable to Natalie Portman's chances of succeeding as a fullback for the New Orleans Saints, Jesse James makes an ideal Bizarro Brad Pitt. Sandra Bullock appears in movies that people actually go out to see, for which she is awarded acting awards--she's the perfect Bizarro Jennifer Aniston. And since Michelle McGee is the only woman alive who would lose to Marilyn Manson in a game of "Who Would You Rather," we can feel safe in calling her Bizarro Angelina Jolie.

However, we do not abide in Bizarro World (which is unfortunate for me, since bloggers are kings there.) Therefore, Jesse James would do well to take a few pages from Brad Pitt's book. Without further ado, here are . . .

The Top Ten Things That Jesse James Could Learn From Brad Pitt

10. Instead of hanging out with White Power motorcycle individuals, hang out with kindly old men like George Clooney and Quentin Tarantino.

9. Instead of cheating on your wife with a circus grotesque, cheat on your wife with the sexiest woman in the world. That way, everybody will secretly sympathize with you. After all, if you were offered the option to leave your mate for the most attractive person in the world, you'd probably take it. You'd probably take a million dollars too if I offered it to you, you cad!

8. Instead of getting caught heiling Hitler on camera, get caught tickling millions of adorable babies. Babies are trending higher than Hitler on Twitter right now.

7. Man, I've covered it extensively above, but it's got to be said: Michelle McGee looks exactly like MySpace. Don't cheat on movie stars with MySpace, please.

6. Um, math, probably.

5. It's cooler to star in a critically acclaimed movie about Jesse James than to pretend to be related to him.

4. Instead of being a closet Nazi, be a closet architect. For some reason, architects are more popular than Nazis, especially when they use their magical drafting powers to help build homes for homeless families in New Orleans.

3. It can't be emphasized enough: if you are going to cheat on your beautiful, rich, Oscar-winning, constant charity work-doing wife, pick a pretty lady to do it with, not a person who has a forehead tattoo.

2. One thing that Jesse James and Brad Pitt have in common is extremely unfortunate facial hair. This is one way in which Jesse James should be less like Brad Pitt and more like Milton Berle.

1. Instead of dumping your wife at the height of her popularity, wait until her career is on the down swing before you take up with that sketchy tattooed girl. Dumping Rachael Green is a big deal--dumping the star of "Picture Perfect" and "Along Came Polly" is secretly understandable--after all, America did it first.


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