Oscars 2010: America's Most Serious Dress Contest

Oscars 2010: America's Most Serious Dress Contest

By our guest blogger, Marie Biondolillo

Let's face it--the Oscars are not about filmmaking. If they were, they'd just be a huge kegger for the people who actually shape movies--editors and gaffers. Also, according to the Academy, Sandra Bullock is apparently a better actress than Helen Mirren, Carey Mulligan, Gabourey Sidibe and Meryl Streep. Even Sandra Bullock's mom doesn't believe that. Hell, Sandy herself spent most of her acceptance speech explaining that she didn't really deserve the award.

So, the Oscars are like a long, tiresome joke that your great uncle tells you, where you keep waiting and waiting for some kind of punch line before it finally dawns upon you that there will be no end to this joke--your great uncle just feels like talking, and he's going to keep talking until you pack him onto an ice floe, set him on fire, and push him out to sea. The difference with the Oscars is that instead of having to stare at your great uncle's weird hands and neck while you wait for him to die, you get to stare at some ladies and their dresses while you wait for the producers to run out the clock. These ladies know this, so they work pretty hard at getting totally sweet dresses for you to admire. Sometimes they are good at this; sometimes they are not.

Let's review them!

Helen Mirren looked pretty hot in a lavender Badgley Mischka and a loose updo. Even better, she was hanging out with Christopher Plummer on the red carpet, where they made fun of everybody who tried to interview them because they are older than God and totally over everything.

J. Lo is pretty old but she is not over anything. She was SUPER SERIOUS on the red carpet about carefully answering dumb questions about her dumb dress, which was some sort of Armani Prive napkin sculpture with a train as long as a boring long story, like that one your great uncle tells about the time that he was trying to find a certain kind of screw at the store, and he had to go to one aisle, but the screw wasn't on it, so then he went somewhere else, but they didn't know what he was talking about, so he had to find a manual with a picture of the screw, but they didn't have manuals with pictures of screws in them at the library, so . . . yes! That's how long the train was. The train was so long, it reached back in time to the last time J. Lo made a movie that anybody wanted to see, which was so long ago that Miley Cyrus's mom wasn't even born yet.

Speaking of Miley Cyrus, she was at the Oscars for some reason (maybe she thought there was going to be a barn raising?) and she looked . . . kind of amazing. Slutty, but pretty good. She was wearing a champagne-colored corset with a floor-length sparkly tutu by Jenny Packham, and somehow, it worked for her. Make-up, hair, and jewelry were all good. Granted, she looked about 35, but she's Miley Cyrus--she's lived hard, and loved hard.

Zoe Saldana wore a very questionable multi-colored flamenco dress with muppets on it by Givenchy. On the other hand, almost everybody else was wearing boring, safe dresses in boring neutral shades like "gunmetal" and "blush" and "ecru" and "black" and "more black," so Zoe deserves credit for at least attempting to keep us awake.

Kate Winslet is still trying to look like Veronica Lake. She wore a boring gunmetal sheathy thing by Yves St. Laurent that looked almost exactly like what she wore last year. I miss the days when she was crazy and had red hair and went around inducting Harvey Keitel into cults.

Meryl Streep wore a white drapey dress by Chris March of Project runway. It wasn't bad, and it wasn't thrilling. It's disappointing, because she could have shown up in a dress made of murdered people and everybody would have worshipped her anyway, because she is Meryl Streep and she was in, like, 10 hit movies this year.

Paula Patton wore a normal-looking orange dress. It was good because it was a color and it wasn't cut like a princess dress, unlike almost every other dress at the show.

Jeff Bridges looked wore Gucci, looked hot, said funny things, and was probably stoned.

Tina Fey looked sparkly and pert in black Michael Kors. She was mugging around with Steve Carrell in order to promote their upcoming rom-com "Date Night." By the way, for a pair of "edgy" comics, these two sure don't mind self-promoting like a couple of broke Avon moms, am I right?

Gabourey Sidibe wore a pretty dress in a good color by Marchesa. Unlike lots of attendees, she wasn't afraid to show that she was pumped to be at the Oscars, for which she gets 900 points.

All the bloggers are slavering over Penelope Cruz's kinda boring wine-colored Donna Karan dress, which she accessorized with bad hair. I do not get it. I thought it was another awkwardly-shaped, dull strapless gown on a night that was glutted with them. She should have worn one of her outfits from "Nine."

Vera Farmiga also had bad hair, but her dress was really interesting. It was a hot pink ruffled Marchesa that looked like a Technicolor orchid.

Cameron Diaz looked hot and boring in sparkly gold Oscar de la Renta. Seriously, her dress was like the mother of all the other boring neutral dresses, embracing every boring trend--big skirt, tight bodice, dull color. Also, her comic timing with Steve Carrell during their co-presentation was godawful.

Neal Patrick Harris had a dumb suit on, but his big song-and-dance number was probably the highlight of the night.

"Mean Girls" alums Amanda Seyfried and Rachel McAdams both wore boring princess dresses. One was by Elie Saab and the other was Armani Prive, but it doesn't really matter which was which.

Queen Latifah, on the other hand, looked glowing and awesome in a pink Badgley Mischka gown with silver accents. Probably the best-dressed woman of the night, and I'm not just saying that because I loved "Living Single."

Katherine Bigelow also looked fantastic in a gray sheath. And, of course, the fact that "The Hurt Locker" won a billion Oscars probably made her extra radiant. Is it wrong that I find it hilarious that the director of "Point Break" won a directing Oscar?

Kristen Stewart looked good in a midnight-blue Monique Lhuillier mermaid thing. Goth as heck, but good.

World's Greatest Actress Sandra Bullock was dressed up like an Oscar in gold Marchesa, perhaps because she thought it would hypnotize the Academy into picking her as Best Actress. Apparently it worked! Her lipstick was good.

Mo'Nique's dress was pretty good--a saturated blue Tadashi Shoji that she accessorized with gardenias. Her speech was fairly touching, so I don't feel like making fun of her. I will say that I thought co-star Mariah Carey's dress was surprisingly beautiful--a deep purple Valentino that was one of the few "movie star" dresses on the red carpet.

Sarah Jessica Parker wore Chanel. Again, the entire world seems pretty on top of criticizing SJP's fashion choices, so I'm not going to jump on the dog pile.

Finally, Charlize Theron wore a pink Dior gown that . . . emphasized her breasts. Everyone is extremely scandalized by this gown, clutching their pearls like a bunch of old church ladies. "Oh dear," they cry. "A movie star wore a dress that made you notice her boobs! Has she no decency?" To this I say--"Whatever. Charlize Theron is a hot blonde movie star who is nine feet tall. In other words, she can wear whatever she wants, including boob dresses that actually are really pretty once you accept the fact of Charlize Theron's boobs. And if that's the hardest thing you'll ever have to accept, all I can say is that you're living a charmed life.

View a gallery of some of the gowns below: