Charlie Sheen on Warpath Against CBS, Somehow Still Alive

Charlie Sheen on Warpath Against CBS, Somehow Still Alive

Television/Celebrity News

By our guest blogger, Nick Hanover

Deadline is currently reporting that Charlie Sheen is taking to the airwaves to rail against CBS' treatment of him. Specifically, Sheen finds it odd that CBS won't let him return to work even though he's "100% clean" as the actor told the "Dan Patrick Show" in an on-air call.

Yes, that's right. In less time than it takes you to drive to grandma's house, Sheen has somehow managed to overcome his epic run of recent debauchery and get "100% clean." In fact, Sheen is so clean he went to the studio where "Two and a Half Men" shoots and banged on the doors until he lost his voice, walking away in sadness because no one was around to pay attention to him. He's so clean, he even had a text message interview where he went ahead and called a bunch of CBS execs "turds." He's so clean, he actually had an impromptu session with a group of UCLA basketball players where he told them his secret to immortality, which includes chocolate milk and avoiding crack.

I wish I was making that up, but I'm not.

You see, deep at heart, Sheen is all about you folk. He just wants to get back to work so the crew can get paid and failing that he's even offering to pay a third of their lost wages himself...if CBS and WB chip in. And Sheen knows his weaknesses. As he told the "Dan Patrick Show" he may heal quickly but he "unravels" even faster. And by unraveling, one assumes he means snorting a suitcase full of cocaine while cavorting with porn stars and making an impromptu sex tape.

In what is perhaps the best summation of everyone's feelings on this matter, Chuck Lorre even used his traditional vanity card at the end of "Two and a Half Men" last night to say that if Charlie Sheen manages to outlive Lorre, who claims to not drink, smoke, do drugs or "have crazy reckless sex with strangers," he'll be "pissed." What Lorre doesn't seem to understand is that he's helped create a monster with unknowable power who will probably outlive us all, wandering the wastelands of America feeding on leftover coke in the year 2013.