Music Video Review
By our guest blogger, Nick Hanover
I may as well be reviewing a commercial with Jennifer Lopez's new video "On the Floor." The clip actually starts out with a long, luxurious look at the fine, sleek body of a new BMW before moving up to examine the luscious curves and lines of some Swarovksi earrings. I don't know what the freaky extras made up to look like a cosplay version of the X-Men films' version of Mystique are advertising, but if buying it will make them go away and stop haunting my every waking moment, I'll gladly pay up.
Product placement is pretty much the only thing "On the Floor" is good for, what with the track featuring J. Lo doing the world's worst Nicki Minaj imitation (complete with Linda Blair-like head rolls!) and some bald SNL character who I assume is Pitbull dropping mindless provocations on the verses. There are probably worse J. Lo songs out there, but absolutely nothing in this video doesn't scream "HEY! I'M ON AMERICAN IDOL NOW! THAT MEANS YOU SHOULD CARE ABOUT ME AGAIN! OKAY?!"
J. Lo's biggest issue remains her inability to figure out what kind of pop star she is. In "On the Floor," she seems to think she's of the aggressively dancey variety, a tarted up bar star eager to make her lust known. The problem is that J. Lo is wholly unconvincing in this role. Have you seen J. Lo's face? Have you seen how flawlessly delicate and royal it is? She may think she's Jenny from the block, but everyone knows she's an urban princess at worst, a Latin queen at best. Worse, her "American Idol" stint, as good as it has admittedly been, has made it extremely obvious that J. Lo is soft and romantic, a person who (at least while in front of millions of home viewers) looks for the best in everyone and takes every failure to heart.
That J. Lo has never played to that aspect of her image honestly kind of confuses me. I don't know who these image makers are that have convinced J. Lo to combine Nicki Minaj's schizophrenic alpha sexuality with Black Swan reject costuming, but they don't know what they're doing (and hey, Crown Royal? You need to figure your image out too, there's no way in hell some Swan queen sitting on a throne is going to be ordering you, golden platter or not). It's high time someone figured out who J. Lo is before she uses up all nine of her celebrity lives.
View the video below. Thoughts?