By our guest blogger, Nick Hanover
After forty plus years of faked deaths, incestuous relationships and more back stabbing than a slasher villain party, ABC has pulled the plug on both "All My Children" and "One Life to Live," according to Deadline. That leaves only "General Hospital" in ABC's soap opera line-up and there's reason to believe even the mighty "General Hospital" will soon be taken off life support, if the replacement shows are any indication.
First up is "The Chew," which is helpfully described as "about anything and everything related to food and the world beyond." Hopefully that means we'll have episodes about cows who revolt against being turned into burgers and form some kind of...animal farm. Which is conveniently also what I thought the next program "The Revolution" was about. Not so, America! Instead, "The Revolution" will apparently concern "health and lifestyle transformation." Of course, that still leaves plenty of room for coverage of my new concept of puppy gyms. Because a chubby puppy is only so cute for so long. And then he just becomes a sad, sad metaphor for the state of America.
If you're wondering why ABC would suddenly decide to trash two programs that have existed for nearly half a century in favor of two insanely generic, anonymous shows about, uh, food and how to get rid of the side effects of said food, well, the answer comes down to numbers. That's right, ABC's two long standing soaps were dead last in their respective rankings. Worse, ABC had more soaps than every other network combined after CBS dropped two of its own and NBC dropped one. Though they had long been held up as profit making machines thanks to their cheap production, ABC indicates that the replacements will be much cheaper. ABC also optimistically states that the replacements will create "ancillary businesses and growth."
So, what are we losing with the demise of "All My Children" and "One Life to Live?" Oh, nothing. Except for one of the most fertile grounds for American actors we've ever seen. Between the two is an alumni that reads like the last Golden Globes invitation list, with Sarah Michelle Gellar, Nathan Fillion, Christian Slater, Amanda Seyfried, Tommy Lee Jones and Ryan Phillippe once calling the soaps home. Now I guess we'll just have to look to High School Musical for our future.