Twilight: Movie Review (2008)

Directed by Catherine Hardwicke, written by Melissa Rosenberg, 122 minutes, rated PG-13.

The slight new Catherine Hardwicke movie, “Twilight,” is about the heated and potentially undeadly physical attraction that ignites between two hot-and-bothered teens.

One is a vampire who has been 17 since the turn of the last century. The other is a young woman who apparently is so hot for this guy, she’s willing to offer up her throat to him regardless of the repercussions that will follow.

Her name is Bella Swan and she’s played by Kristen Stewart in a performance that best can be described as slack-jawed.

I’m not suggesting that Bella is stupid--her inward turmoil is meant to reflect depth--but given the way Stewart keeps her lips parted throughout the movie, Bella seems forever dumbstruck, as if she’s caught in a state of eternal awe.

It’s tough to blame her. When she moves to Forks, Washington to live with her single father, Charlie (Billy Burke), who is the town’s police chief, the poor girl’s hormones are in full boil. This proves problematic when she shows up for chemistry class (naturally) and meets the mysterious Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), whose dark eyes, enormous hair and bleached face apparently are so dreamy, Bella is pulled toward him by urges previously unknown to her.

At first, Edward is having none of her--he’s rude, sullen and swarthy. And then he’s kind of into her, literally saving her life when a van nearly smashes into her. What’s Bella to make of this? Since her lips are parted, it’s clear that she doesn’t know, though soon she’s fantasizing about Edward as much as she’s questioning him. After all, when Edward saved her life, he literally stopped that van with an outstretched hand.

The film, which Melissa Rosenberg faithfully based on the Stephenie Meyer’s best-selling novel, is so purple, you’d swear it was a bruise.

This is especially true when Bella and Edward give in to their hormonal rampages, throw garlic cloves to the wind and fall deeply in love with each other. At that point, Bella knows that Edward is a vampire who has killed people, but since he’s a reformed vampire (he and his family responsibly only suck the blood of animals), that’s enough for her--she’s into him. She wants him. She’s ready to go for it. But as for Edward, who lusts for her blood but who can’t bring himself to kill her for it, their relationship must remain chaste, which causes Bella to pause and her lips to part.

It doesn’t exactly take the brightest bulb in the room to figure out what’s going on here. If and when these two do go all the way (a sexual relationship might leave Edward in such a frenzy that he’d sink his fangs into her), they must wait until they’re mature enough to make that decision, should it ever come.

And there you have it. While a subplot involving a band of evil vampires does give the movie its welcomed moments of action and Edward’s family does come through with a few necessary laughs, “Twilight” really is a glum film about the perils of teen intimacy. Here, life literally hinges on abstinence and morality. While those are fine qualities for any movie aimed at tweens to promote, “Twilight” is unfortunately so sloppy and shallow, your own lips part. This is a movie unable to make you feel anything profound for its characters.

Grade: C-

What did you think? Let people know in the Twilight poll.