K. Fed Ahoy!: Top Ten Things Kevin Federline Doesn't Know

By our guest blogger, Marie Biondolillo

In a recent interview with Entertainment Tonight, Kevin Federline stated that he did not realize how fat he actually was. He thought that the photos he saw of himself had been Photoshopped unflatteringly. This means that Kevin Federline cannot even tell how fat he is with a picture for reference.  Or, for that matter, a mirror or a scale.  It also begs the question of what other things Kevin Federline has not realized about himself. For the purposes of helping Kevin Federline out, I have compiled a short list of some facts he should probably realize.





Top Ten Things Kevin Federline Is Ignorant Of:

1. Back-up dancing is not a life plan. Oh, at first it might seem like you're going places when you're all caught up in the glamour of undulating rhythmically with a bunch of other cool guys to the tuneful ministrations of the Lyte Funky Ones. Everything's "hip hop marmalade spic and span," isn't it? But when the whirlwind finally sets you down, you're left with only Cheeto dust keepsakes and Abercrombie-colored memories.

2. "Just a Gigolo" is not a song about his life.

3. Not everybody who "friends" you on MySpace is really your friend.

4. The celebrity-industrial complex can only support one Eminem. Hell, it can only support one Vanilla Ice. There is no room for a "poor man's Vanilla Ice" in this economy. Nobody is that poor.

5. Probably a lot of facts about history, math, politics, literature, science, philosophy and art. Basically, 97 percent of most important things.

6. How to support himself on less than $20,000 a month (at least according to his divorce settlement from Brit.) By the way, that works out to roughly $666.66 per day. Coincidence?

7. If they only want to cast you as a hoodlum, you're not really an actor. No, guest-starring on "One Tree Hill" doesn't count. I'm pretty sure that "One Tree Hill" is just another performance art prank engineered by James Franco.

8. Releasing a "hit" single that necessitates the use of a tilde is never a good idea. Diacritics make Pitchfork mad!

9. Lisa Marie Presley is not a role model. When you have a choice between marrying a totally crazy person and gainful employment, just get a job.

10. Condoms: they exist. Four kids before you crack 30 is 400 percent too many kids.

Source