Land of the Lost: Movie Review (2009)

Directed by Brad Siberling, written by Chris Henchy and Dennis McNicholas, 93 minutes, rated PG-13.

The rotten, unwatchable new Will Ferrell movie, “Land of the Lost,” is based on the old Saturday morning television show some of us grew up on in the 1970s, but which barely is recognizable here.

This film is so bad, it stabs at your eyes. And then it stabs at them again. Rinse and repeat. Bring some sutures.

While it’s true that the original, low-budget show was no cultural high point, it’s easy to retain an affinity for it, especially since it was appealingly cheesy in its cheapness, but also because it did find pockets in which to be imaginative and entertaining. It worked with what it had, which wasn’t much, but at least it made the effort.

This new bastardization, which cost over $100 million to produce but which made only $19 million at the weekend box office, does not--it’s a bust across the board. Ironically, that proves rather fitting, especially since this crude, boring, horrendous little peep show from Sugarville has a thing for the female bust, with one of the ongoing jokes being that a character’s breast is repeatedly groped by any number of men and creatures throughout. So, you know, feel free to bring the whole family.

Though the woman in question presumably is an intelligent scientist with a mind of her own, she somehow tolerates this behavior, which leads one to question why. The answer is simple. Director Brad Siberling told her to tolerate it.

About the movie--saying it’s slop is sort of like saying that entering a dank subway restroom at the height of the lunch rush hour is like wandering into a French perfumery. This baby stinks from start to finish, with Ferrell cast as Dr. Rick Marshall, an arrogant, buffoonish scientist who knows he’s close to finding a way to travel through time where past, present and future will merge.

With the help of fellow scientist, Holly (Anna Friel)--it’s she who’s groped throughout--they achieve Ferrell’s dream and soon are off with some sidekick boob named Will (Danny McBride) to the land of the lost. There, dinosaurs roam, beastly Sleestaks abound, and they befriend the caveman Chaka (Jorma Tacone) while chaos brims around them thanks to the evil Sleestak Enik (John Boylan).

Let’s be clear about the chaos unspooling here--none of it is gripping. Zip. This likely is because too much of the movie is concerned with being a Will Ferrell movie first, a gross-out comedy second, and a film version of the television series third. As such, what we get is more of the same from Ferrell, whose worn-out shtick has become so repetitive, he probably should find a new angle soon if he’s to continue to attract an audience.

That said, here’s the good news. By the end of the movie, it’s at last revealed why dinosaurs became extinct. Forget about such myths as disease, climate change or a giant asteroid striking the earth. Apparently, they stumbled upon Rick’s time warping device, saw into the future, caught whiff of this stiff, and died from embarrassment.

Grade: BOMB

View the trailer for "Land of the Lost" here: