Miley's Little Sister Noah Cyrus is Launching a "Children's Lingerie Line"

By our guest blogger, Marie Biondolillo

If you've ever questioned the Cyrus family's commitment to proving that their complete lack of any sense of decency or good taste, then this should put your mind to rest--Noah Cyrus, Miley's 10-year-old little sister, is now the face of a "children's lingerie line."

You may have many questions at this point. I certainly have one or two. To begin with, why do children need lingerie? Do children need something to lounge around in while they drink martinis in their penthouses and wait for their married lovers to stop by? Let's be blunt--lingerie is not designed for sleeping in. When you're sick or exhausted, you don't ease into a satin teddy before slipping between the sheets; you put on sweat pants, like a Real American. After brushing your teeth at night, you don't pull up your fishnets and snap them onto your garter belt; instead, you struggle into your stained Slanket and pass out in front of the TV (it's what Liz Lemon does, and Liz Lemon is never wrong.) The only reason to wear lingerie is to trick people into having sex with you, and I was unaware that this is some kind of major goal for children. Do most children secretly wish they were Sharon Stone? Are they trying to seduce their bosses into leaving their wives, and footie pajamas just aren't going to cut it?

Noah isn't the only face of this "fashion line"--her friend Emily Grace Reaves also is repping the line, which is called "Ooh! La, La! Couture." You may remember Emily Grace from the time she and Noah walked the red carpet tarted up in bathing suits and high heels. The girls also have a Youtube "show." Recently, Noah posted a video of herself dancing "sexily" and lip-synching to "Tik Tok," Ke$ha's ode to the joys of brushing your teeth with Jack Daniels and letting boys touch your junk.

I'm not sure what Billy Ray and Leticia Cyrus are trying to accomplish by allowing these kinds of shenanigans. If you follow these actions to their logical conclusion, then the answer is that the Cyruses were concerned that not enough pedophiles were obsessed with their daughter, so they're trying to make sure that creepy dudes everywhere have as many "hot" pictures and videos of Noah as possible. Like all great entrepreneurs, they saw an opening in a niche market and sought to fill it. In this case, however, the market was not "gluten-free bread" or "home solar energy kits," but rather "mainstream children's pornography."

Oh well, I'm sure all this isn't psychologically damaging for Noah or Emily Grace at all. Maybe Billy Ray just needed funding to make another Christian album. After all, putting your 10-year-old daughter in a French maid outfit is a small price to pay for an entire album of beautiful music about Billy Ray's inspiring faith.

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