Rip Torn is a Criminal Genius

By our guest blogger, Marie Biondolillo

Actor Rip Torn, best known for roles on "30 Rock" and "The Larry Sanders Show," as well for having the coolest stage name in the world, got drunk and tried to rob a bank the other day.

According to the New York Post, the 78-year-old actor got ripped out of his mind and broke into some bank in Connecticut. He was carrying a loaded gun (handy for robbing purposes), but there was one flaw in his plan--the bank was closed.

Criminal mastermind Torn then sensibly proceeded to take a nap on the floor--perhaps his plan was to just chill out until some tellers showed up? Regardless, after what likely was a pleasant snooze, the cops showed up and heroically arrested the unconscious senior. He's currently being held behind bars, no doubt because the police don't trust him out on the streets. If a criminal this brilliant is at large, no one is safe.

Here are a just few of the crimes the Connecticut police system has saved us from by incarcerating the outlaw Rip Torn:

1. The Bellagio's vault is secure from the schemes of Rip Torn and his toady, George Clooney.

2. Meryl Streep won't be able to get stoned anymore without her trusty hook-up, Sleepy T.

3. Rip Van Winkle keeps his job security.

4. Your mom won't be able to cheat on your step-dad, Robert, anymore.

5. The streets of Baltimore will no longer have to fear famous drug lord Nappy Grandpa.

6. We don't have to worry about Rip Torn breaking into the Louvre, stealing the Mona Lisa, and falling into a deep slumber.

7. America's Christmas trees and taxis are finally safe from domestic battery by Rip Torn's Subaru.

8. Torn can no longer go on a killing 'n' naps cross-country spree with Faye Dunaway.

9. The Sheriff of Nottingham can quit freaking out about Torn taking "siestas" with the deer of Sherwood Forest.

10. The filming of "Freddy Got Fingered II" has been significantly delayed.


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