Bastard! Goldie Locks Got a New Role

Variety is reporting that Brad Pitt is set to star in the upcoming Quentin Tarantino movie, "Inglorious Bastards." The World War II drama will start shooting in Germany in October, with Pitt cast as a Tennessee hillbilly. Eli Roth, the horror director, also stars, so you know this is going to be good. Since the movie is scheduled to appear at Cannes next year, obviously everyone involved is shooting for greatness. Either that, or they're shooting themselves in the ass.

We'll give Tarantino the benefit of the doubt on this one--the project has been brewing for years and the writer/director has done far more right than he's ever done wrong. The script for "From Dusk Till Dawn"? A mere blip. His direction on "My Best Friend's Birthday"? Doesn't matter--nobody saw it, anyway.

The more pressing question at hand is this: How did Santa Angelina allow this to happen? Who is going to be there to tend to her every need? Bono? He's the godfather of their new golden chosen twins for some reason. And what of their new digs in France? Who's going to protect the holy land while Brad's away? Billy Bob? You know he wants back on team Jolie.

Oh, who am I kidding? Angelina Jolie will shoot your ass cold if you come anywhere near her. To hell with peace and her role at the UN! She just needs to string up a few flatscreen televisions along the walls of her French compound, play the trailer for "Wanted" 24-7, and all will be well.

Wanted